Its just life right?

One of my biggest New Years resolutions was to be a more positive person. I have been doing a pretty good job at it but today not so much. I feel like life has dangled the light right in front of me for a breif period of time. Then before I knew it life had its way of doing what it always seems to do and took us for yet another ride on its fabulous merry go round.
Let me start at the first which happens to be on New Years Eve day. We started to smell a strange yet familiar smell in our house the smell of propane burning (which we smell when we go camping) we thought nothing of it until that night when it got really bad. With some investigating we realized it was our water heater. Up on the floo where it comes out of the house was covered in ice and we thought it was a thermal barrier. The next day Shad got up on our roof and removed the ice. Guess what it didn't work. Last night the smell got incredibly bad we turned on our carbon monoxide detector and it shot up to 350 way high we called Triple T (who by the way are super amazing) they came after hours and figured out the problem. However we needed to leave our house until its fixed. We decided to sleep at Shads mom and dads house. Brylie did not sleep at all she was up most of the night. We finally fell back to sleep around 6. Only to be woken by Shad who was making a fun noise. As I looked at him I realized he was having another seizure. Scared like always though not as much as before I yelled to his mom and dad. He came fnully to about an hour later but his memory was very foggy.
It makes me angry, sad, scared and confused. Why does Shad have to have medical problems? I honestly thought we were in the clear and he would stop having them. Now for the next 3 weeks I wont sleep I will be nervous not only of his seizures but carbon monoxide. I have always been a firm believer that God won't bring us to it if we can't get through it. When will we get through ot though? When will life be normal again? How much more can I handle?
Thanks for allowing me to vent...now here I go back to being positive!

So much for my goal!!!

I am horrible at this. Blogging is maybe not for me I don't know I am so busy at work then when I get home I would rather hang out with Brylie, Shad and our dog Khloe.  Plus the words I think inside my head sound so much better then they do when I type them out.  I guess I am not a very good writer.

Since it is almost the end of November and December is quickly approaching I decided it is time to start a new and get my bloggin a goin.  I really do want to do this.  My life is boring and I probably have only two readers out there maybe but that is ok!

This week I have been thinking of goals with New Years around the corner it is something that has been on my mind.  Things I want for next year.  I want 2013 to be the best year of my life.  I thought I would share with you what I have down so far for my goals

Lose weight: I have been struggling so hard with this one.  I have done so well at one point and lately I have gotten to the point where I do not want to try I want to eat everything that I want and not gain a pound.  However that is sadly not possible.  I have jotted a few things down to help me along the way.  Such as ways to make my sandwiches differently without miracle whip and instead use laughing cow light cheese spread and hollowing out a cucumber and filling it with the laughing cow and turkey.  I truly hope to accomplish this for once and for all!!!

 

 

Get out of debt: This is another big one.  By the end of 2013 I want to be completely out of debt or pretty darn near.  Debt is a bad thing it is not fun to be in and most of the time you can never see the end of the tunnel.  If I have a little faith and a lot of will power I will get there!  I love this picture it shows exactly what debt is.

 

Be a better person: Lately I have noticed a lot of negativity coming from myself.  I find that I am also being so hard on myself and jealous of others takes over a lot.  I tend to look at the negative things in life and not the good.  It is time to change and be the person I once was.  Caring, compassionate, understanding and positive.  I want to be a better me!

 



Spend more time doing family things

Start my Rory Gilmore Reading List

For now I think these ones are looking pretty good!  I will add some more when I come up with them.  Trust me there are a lot!!!  I really want to accomplish a ton of things this upcoming year:)

Changing it up

So I am finding it a little hard to blog an entire post about what I am thankful for.  I feel like I just ramble on and on.  So like other blogs I have seen I have decided I will write my post and at the end add on my thankful for the day.

Isn't it funny in life how the things that are suppose to help you can sometimes work the opposite and completely not help at all?  The last few weeks I have not been sleeping.  I was lucky to get 2-3 hours a night.  I would wake up and worry would come over me.  I would watch my husband like a hawk and wait for him to have another seizure.  I know like staying awake would do anything for him but he was sleep walking to and that added to my nervousness I was a wreck to say the least.  I found it strange though, with his first seizure life after a day or so went back to normal.  I didn't worry at all.  With this one I couldn't get in the shower while he was asleep or blow dry my hair simply because I could not hear him. 

Living on no sleep in miserable and for anyone with insomnia I am so so sorry it bites.  I considered having Shad sleep in a separate room, but then couldn't stand that I wouldn't hear him so that option was out.  I thought of sleeping pills but again I was scared that they would knock me out and I would sleep through everything.  So the other night I started thinking why am I so worried this time around, why can't I sleep, why can't I function normally?  Did I start something new that maybe is affecting me? 
That is when it hit me.  I had been out of my antidepressants for about a month (I know that is bad bad bad) and I had refilled them a week after Shads seizure and that is when all the crazy started.  I thought for sure it was a long shot but told Shad I wasn't going to take my pills for a few nights and see if it helped at all.  I stopped taking them Tuesday night.  I didn't get much sleep that night mostly I think my mind was on our appointment with Primary Children's the next day. Yet I didn't feel so panicky like I had every other night.  Wednesday night however my head hit the pillow and I woke up two times and went right back to sleep and last night I woke up once and fell right back to sleep.

I am amazed at the fact that antidepressants are suppose to help you feel normal yet they had started to make me feel like I was turning psycho.  As soon as I got off of them I started to feel normal again.  So needless to say now I need to find a new pill for that problem but I am happy to say I am sleeping again and I don't feel like a psycho wife who watches her husband sleep each night!  I am sure he is glad too!

Today I am thankful for sleep!!!

Thankful

Ok see this is why I don't blog I can never find the time to update it or really anything to blog about my life is pretty boring.

Today though I feel I need to post this.  I have been going through some difficult things these last few weeks.  I feel like I am in a different world or that I am isolated.  I haven't been getting any sleep I am lucky to get 3-4 hours a night.  It has taken its toll on me.  I don't feel like I can talk about it because who wants to hear about someone elses problems, don't we all have our own? 
Last night was an extremely difficult night for me.  I went to sleep around 9 woke up at 11 fell back to sleep around 2 woke up at 3 and never went back to sleep.  I cried as I lay there scared to death feeling like paranoia is taking over my life.  I didn't know how I was going to make it through my work day.  I was exhausted to say the least.  When I got to work blessings were in store for me.  Friends that knew I was stressed were there to comfort me and they listened to me they talked things out with me and gave me some suggestions to get past my stressors. 
You will never know how much this meant to me.  Just listening and being interested and talking things through with me.  Not that all my stress is gone or that I will sleep soundly again tonight I know that I have you guys to help me through as well as my family.  I have a great support system and I couldn't be more thankful for you all.  Sometimes just talking and making your fears heard makes a world of difference and I know it did today. 

Thankful Day 4

I am thankful for my amazing husband.  I have been married to Shad for 10 years we have been together for 13 years.  That is completely crazy to me.  Shad is the one person in this world who can keep me grounded.  He keeps my head on straight and reminds me not to over think things as I do a lot! 
I thought I would do this one a litte different.  Below is a list of things I love about Shad things that make him one of a kind to me and the only person I will ever want to spend my life with!

• He makes me smile
• He can make me laugh when I want to cry
• His big blue eyes
• He holds me at night
• He's an amazing dad
• A wonderful friend
• Looks good in his softball clothes (lol)
• Loves me unconditionally
• Tells me he loves me everyday
• Holds my hand in public
• Listens to me
• He knows me better than I know myself
• He is understands me when I don't understand myself
• He has made me a stronger person
• Being with him, Everything in my life becomes the best of everything
• He is sensitive and understanding
• He sees me for me and loves me still

There are so many many other reasons why I am thankful for my hubby but I am sure I would bore you!  Thank you Shad for everything in my life and for loving me through thick and thin!

Day 3 Thankfulness

 

Today I am thankful for Costco!  Yep you read that correctly.  I LOVE Costco and I am thankful that I no longer have to drive out to Orem to shop there.  I really am not sure why I love the store so much maybe it is the savings, the bulk items or maybe it is all the little tasties I get along my shopping route.

Our new store in Spanish Fork opened about a week or so ago and I patiently waited for the crowds to die down and we finally venture out today and go get some things we needed.  I loved looking at the many things they offer and tasting the little tid bits of food they had for everyone to taste.  I also love watching Brylie at Costco this girl LOVES the store and we have to walk up and down each aisle of the toys to make sure there isn’t something she may have not seen before.  All in all it was a fun day.  We got some of the essentials and a few fun things. 

I am thankful that I have the ability to buy the things I need.  To keep food on the table and clothes on our backs.  I am thankful that Costco is there to help me in bulk quantities!

Its the month to be thankful!

So I have been jotting down what I am Thankful for on Facebook.  Since it is the month of Thanks I figured I would do it here on my blog as well....If anything it will give me a reason to blog daily YAY!!!  Somedays I will do the same things as I do on Facebook others will be something different; I guess whatever I see fit is what I will go with.

I am thankful today for the power of prayer.  This one is a hard one for me to talk about.  Its personal but I think at the same time I would love to share it.  As you have read previously my husband has been diagnosed with Epilepsy.  For a time I was not sleeping I was stressed and terrified of another seizure occuring.  I decided I would ask friends if they had tried sleep aides and which ones they liked.  I really didn't like the thought of taking something to help me sleep, first I didn't want to become dependent on it and second I didn't want the side affects.  One of our good family freinds emailed me he and his wife have become some of our greatest friends in such a short time.  He had joked with me to try some whiskey that would knock me out!  When I got his email it brought tears to my eyes.  As he told me to pray for guidance and strength to be strong.  I knew he was right that Heavenly Father is there for me no matter what.  He will listen no matter how much I seem to ramble.
At first I was nervous I hadn't prayed in such a long time I wondered if I remembered how.  The next day on my way to work (I had been crying due to a flash back I had) I decided to pull over.  I was a few minutes early so along the backroads I take to work I pulled over and poured my heart, frustration and tears out to the man upstairs.  I can't tell you how great it felt to get it all out.  Not to hold back anything and quite frankly I didn't.  I thought I would ask for this obstacle to be removed and for Shad to never have a seizure.  I realized though that what I truly wanted was strength.  Strength to be strong for Shad, to know how to handle the seizures and the aftermath, strength to know it is ok and I can sleep at night.  I went about my day and didn't think too much of it; but I made a promise to pray daily even if it were just to tell someone how mad or sad or happy I am.
When I laid my head down that night to go to sleep I think I fell straight to sleep.  I didn't lay there and listen to Shads breath to make sure it didn't sound funny or sit and watch him to make sure a seizure wasn't going to occur.  I woke up 8 straight hours later.  Suprised I didn't wake every hour or every time Shad moved.  I slept.  I was so relieved. 
I have prayed every night and morning since.  I am still scared of the seizures but I know that I will be ok, we will be ok.  That peace of mind means so incredibly much to me.  I can get back to life now and I can look forward to go to sleep instead of dread it.