Hello

You would think that yesterday would have been hard for me.  I don't know maybe the day was too busy, maybe my phone rang off the hook because that is what I needed was a distraction.  Sadly today is super slow and I have a lot of time to think.  I don't like thinking somedays they take me places I don't want to go, places that I can't seem to leave.  Everyone tells me to remember the happy memories and I promise I do remember them I just miss you so incredibly much.

I love driving in the car by myself.  It gives me a chance to talk to you and tell you all the things that have happened in the month since you left us.  I try to talk to you every chance I get.  It makes me feel good to know that you are all around me watching and listening to me.  I wish I could hear your voice back.  Sometimes I feel your arms wrap around me but then I think I am just crazy it can't be can it?  I have done a lot of thinking since you have been gone.  How I want my life to be and what kind of a person I want to be.  It is hard to give yourself a good look in the mirror and admit all the things that you want to change.  Not the physical part but the inner part of you.  For example I want to be a more kind and loving person, one who doesn't speak mean of others.  I want to be someone that I want Brylie to grow up to be.  Truth be told I want to be more like you in that aspect of life.  You had the kindest and most loving heart.  I miss that.
The last few days a memory keeps popping in my head.  It is the same memory time and time again. At first I really didn't understand why this memory was one I kept thinking of.  Then I realized it makes me laugh and I can see you laughing so hard and I am grateful to keep having the memory play in my head.  Your laugh was contagious and whenever I heard you laughing it spread like a wildfire.  Maybe it is you making sure memories pop up when I need them.  They seem to be what I need at that exact moment in life and they help push me through.  I guess it really is my Guardian Angel just watching over me and making sure I am happier and that the sadness doesn't overcome me.
I have started writing my bucket list.  Things I want to accomplish before I have to say goodbye to this life.  You will be proud to know the top thing on my list is to skydive.  I wish you and I could have gone together but I know that you will be right there beside me.  I want so many things out of my life because you didn't get them in yours.  I want to embrace this life and love it for everything it has to give.  There will be bad days but on those bad days I will think back to the good days and know they aren't too far away.  This may sound bad but thank you for giving me this gift.  Who knew even in death you would still make sure to give.  I want so much more out of life and as the days continue to get a little easier I know I will work towards that.  Thank you for showing me things in life that only a big brother could.  Thank you for taking the time out of your day to always be my friend and always make sure I had someone to play house with or even barbies with.  Thank you for sharing your smile, smirk and laugh with me.  Thank you for the unconditional love you always had for me.

I love you

I love it

Life has been rough for me the past few weeks.  Someone that I love so dearly was taken from me.  My older brother Mike passed away on January 18th.  It has been the hardest thing I have and still am going through.  I have realized things in my life in the days since his death.  Never take the ones you love for granted they could be gone in a split second.  Make sure you let others know how much you love and adore them.  I will never get to tell my brother face to face these things again, although I do tell him every single day it isn't face to face.  The things I wish I would have done or would have said to him will never be done atleast not in this life time. 
I have found comfort in a talk given by Joseph B. Wirthlin Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.  I thought I would share a part of it with you.

 

When we are resurrected, “this mortal body is raised to an immortal body. … [We] can die no more.”⁴

Can you imagine that? Life at our prime? Never sick, never in pain, never burdened by the ills that so often beset us in mortality?

The Resurrection is at the core of our beliefs as Christians. Without it, our faith is meaningless. The Apostle Paul said, “If Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and [our] faith is also vain.”⁵

In all the history of the world there have been many great and wise souls, many of whom claimed special knowledge of God. But when the Savior rose from the tomb, He did something no one had ever done. He did something no one else could do. He broke the bonds of death, not only for Himself but for all who have ever lived—the just and the unjust.⁶

When Christ rose from the grave, becoming the firstfruits of the Resurrection, He made that gift available to all. And with that sublime act, He softened the devastating, consuming sorrow that gnaws at the souls of those who have lost precious loved ones.

I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross.

On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth.

Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced. Now that Jesus was no more, surely those who followed Him would disperse. On that day they stood triumphant.

On that day the veil of the temple was rent in twain.

Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Jesus, were both overcome with grief and despair. The superb man they had loved and honored hung lifeless upon the cross.

On that Friday the Apostles were devastated. Jesus, their Savior—the man who had walked on water and raised the dead—was Himself at the mercy of wicked men. They watched helplessly as He was overcome by His enemies.

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.

It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God.

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest.

But the doom of that day did not endure.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.

 

How sweet and comforting are those words.  I am going through my Friday but I know my Sunday will come.  It may be a long journey but when my Sunday comes it will be a very sweet day.  I have a lot of healing to get through a lot of tears I am sure to still be shed.  I am planning on doing a post in honor of my brother but I am not up to it yet.  I hope you enjoyed these words as much I have.  Remeber tell those you love how very much you love them and how much they mean to you just in case tomorrow never comes.

Its just life right?

One of my biggest New Years resolutions was to be a more positive person. I have been doing a pretty good job at it but today not so much. I feel like life has dangled the light right in front of me for a breif period of time. Then before I knew it life had its way of doing what it always seems to do and took us for yet another ride on its fabulous merry go round.
Let me start at the first which happens to be on New Years Eve day. We started to smell a strange yet familiar smell in our house the smell of propane burning (which we smell when we go camping) we thought nothing of it until that night when it got really bad. With some investigating we realized it was our water heater. Up on the floo where it comes out of the house was covered in ice and we thought it was a thermal barrier. The next day Shad got up on our roof and removed the ice. Guess what it didn't work. Last night the smell got incredibly bad we turned on our carbon monoxide detector and it shot up to 350 way high we called Triple T (who by the way are super amazing) they came after hours and figured out the problem. However we needed to leave our house until its fixed. We decided to sleep at Shads mom and dads house. Brylie did not sleep at all she was up most of the night. We finally fell back to sleep around 6. Only to be woken by Shad who was making a fun noise. As I looked at him I realized he was having another seizure. Scared like always though not as much as before I yelled to his mom and dad. He came fnully to about an hour later but his memory was very foggy.
It makes me angry, sad, scared and confused. Why does Shad have to have medical problems? I honestly thought we were in the clear and he would stop having them. Now for the next 3 weeks I wont sleep I will be nervous not only of his seizures but carbon monoxide. I have always been a firm believer that God won't bring us to it if we can't get through it. When will we get through ot though? When will life be normal again? How much more can I handle?
Thanks for allowing me to vent...now here I go back to being positive!

So much for my goal!!!

I am horrible at this. Blogging is maybe not for me I don't know I am so busy at work then when I get home I would rather hang out with Brylie, Shad and our dog Khloe.  Plus the words I think inside my head sound so much better then they do when I type them out.  I guess I am not a very good writer.

Since it is almost the end of November and December is quickly approaching I decided it is time to start a new and get my bloggin a goin.  I really do want to do this.  My life is boring and I probably have only two readers out there maybe but that is ok!

This week I have been thinking of goals with New Years around the corner it is something that has been on my mind.  Things I want for next year.  I want 2013 to be the best year of my life.  I thought I would share with you what I have down so far for my goals

Lose weight: I have been struggling so hard with this one.  I have done so well at one point and lately I have gotten to the point where I do not want to try I want to eat everything that I want and not gain a pound.  However that is sadly not possible.  I have jotted a few things down to help me along the way.  Such as ways to make my sandwiches differently without miracle whip and instead use laughing cow light cheese spread and hollowing out a cucumber and filling it with the laughing cow and turkey.  I truly hope to accomplish this for once and for all!!!

 

 

Get out of debt: This is another big one.  By the end of 2013 I want to be completely out of debt or pretty darn near.  Debt is a bad thing it is not fun to be in and most of the time you can never see the end of the tunnel.  If I have a little faith and a lot of will power I will get there!  I love this picture it shows exactly what debt is.

 

Be a better person: Lately I have noticed a lot of negativity coming from myself.  I find that I am also being so hard on myself and jealous of others takes over a lot.  I tend to look at the negative things in life and not the good.  It is time to change and be the person I once was.  Caring, compassionate, understanding and positive.  I want to be a better me!

 



Spend more time doing family things

Start my Rory Gilmore Reading List

For now I think these ones are looking pretty good!  I will add some more when I come up with them.  Trust me there are a lot!!!  I really want to accomplish a ton of things this upcoming year:)

Changing it up

So I am finding it a little hard to blog an entire post about what I am thankful for.  I feel like I just ramble on and on.  So like other blogs I have seen I have decided I will write my post and at the end add on my thankful for the day.

Isn't it funny in life how the things that are suppose to help you can sometimes work the opposite and completely not help at all?  The last few weeks I have not been sleeping.  I was lucky to get 2-3 hours a night.  I would wake up and worry would come over me.  I would watch my husband like a hawk and wait for him to have another seizure.  I know like staying awake would do anything for him but he was sleep walking to and that added to my nervousness I was a wreck to say the least.  I found it strange though, with his first seizure life after a day or so went back to normal.  I didn't worry at all.  With this one I couldn't get in the shower while he was asleep or blow dry my hair simply because I could not hear him. 

Living on no sleep in miserable and for anyone with insomnia I am so so sorry it bites.  I considered having Shad sleep in a separate room, but then couldn't stand that I wouldn't hear him so that option was out.  I thought of sleeping pills but again I was scared that they would knock me out and I would sleep through everything.  So the other night I started thinking why am I so worried this time around, why can't I sleep, why can't I function normally?  Did I start something new that maybe is affecting me? 
That is when it hit me.  I had been out of my antidepressants for about a month (I know that is bad bad bad) and I had refilled them a week after Shads seizure and that is when all the crazy started.  I thought for sure it was a long shot but told Shad I wasn't going to take my pills for a few nights and see if it helped at all.  I stopped taking them Tuesday night.  I didn't get much sleep that night mostly I think my mind was on our appointment with Primary Children's the next day. Yet I didn't feel so panicky like I had every other night.  Wednesday night however my head hit the pillow and I woke up two times and went right back to sleep and last night I woke up once and fell right back to sleep.

I am amazed at the fact that antidepressants are suppose to help you feel normal yet they had started to make me feel like I was turning psycho.  As soon as I got off of them I started to feel normal again.  So needless to say now I need to find a new pill for that problem but I am happy to say I am sleeping again and I don't feel like a psycho wife who watches her husband sleep each night!  I am sure he is glad too!

Today I am thankful for sleep!!!

Thankful

Ok see this is why I don't blog I can never find the time to update it or really anything to blog about my life is pretty boring.

Today though I feel I need to post this.  I have been going through some difficult things these last few weeks.  I feel like I am in a different world or that I am isolated.  I haven't been getting any sleep I am lucky to get 3-4 hours a night.  It has taken its toll on me.  I don't feel like I can talk about it because who wants to hear about someone elses problems, don't we all have our own? 
Last night was an extremely difficult night for me.  I went to sleep around 9 woke up at 11 fell back to sleep around 2 woke up at 3 and never went back to sleep.  I cried as I lay there scared to death feeling like paranoia is taking over my life.  I didn't know how I was going to make it through my work day.  I was exhausted to say the least.  When I got to work blessings were in store for me.  Friends that knew I was stressed were there to comfort me and they listened to me they talked things out with me and gave me some suggestions to get past my stressors. 
You will never know how much this meant to me.  Just listening and being interested and talking things through with me.  Not that all my stress is gone or that I will sleep soundly again tonight I know that I have you guys to help me through as well as my family.  I have a great support system and I couldn't be more thankful for you all.  Sometimes just talking and making your fears heard makes a world of difference and I know it did today. 

Thankful Day 4

I am thankful for my amazing husband.  I have been married to Shad for 10 years we have been together for 13 years.  That is completely crazy to me.  Shad is the one person in this world who can keep me grounded.  He keeps my head on straight and reminds me not to over think things as I do a lot! 
I thought I would do this one a litte different.  Below is a list of things I love about Shad things that make him one of a kind to me and the only person I will ever want to spend my life with!

• He makes me smile
• He can make me laugh when I want to cry
• His big blue eyes
• He holds me at night
• He's an amazing dad
• A wonderful friend
• Looks good in his softball clothes (lol)
• Loves me unconditionally
• Tells me he loves me everyday
• Holds my hand in public
• Listens to me
• He knows me better than I know myself
• He is understands me when I don't understand myself
• He has made me a stronger person
• Being with him, Everything in my life becomes the best of everything
• He is sensitive and understanding
• He sees me for me and loves me still

There are so many many other reasons why I am thankful for my hubby but I am sure I would bore you!  Thank you Shad for everything in my life and for loving me through thick and thin!