You would think that yesterday would have been hard for me. I don't know maybe the day was too busy, maybe my phone rang off the hook because that is what I needed was a distraction. Sadly today is super slow and I have a lot of time to think. I don't like thinking somedays they take me places I don't want to go, places that I can't seem to leave. Everyone tells me to remember the happy memories and I promise I do remember them I just miss you so incredibly much.
I love driving in the car by myself. It gives me a chance to talk to you and tell you all the things that have happened in the month since you left us. I try to talk to you every chance I get. It makes me feel good to know that you are all around me watching and listening to me. I wish I could hear your voice back. Sometimes I feel your arms wrap around me but then I think I am just crazy it can't be can it? I have done a lot of thinking since you have been gone. How I want my life to be and what kind of a person I want to be. It is hard to give yourself a good look in the mirror and admit all the things that you want to change. Not the physical part but the inner part of you. For example I want to be a more kind and loving person, one who doesn't speak mean of others. I want to be someone that I want Brylie to grow up to be. Truth be told I want to be more like you in that aspect of life. You had the kindest and most loving heart. I miss that.
The last few days a memory keeps popping in my head. It is the same memory time and time again. At first I really didn't understand why this memory was one I kept thinking of. Then I realized it makes me laugh and I can see you laughing so hard and I am grateful to keep having the memory play in my head. Your laugh was contagious and whenever I heard you laughing it spread like a wildfire. Maybe it is you making sure memories pop up when I need them. They seem to be what I need at that exact moment in life and they help push me through. I guess it really is my Guardian Angel just watching over me and making sure I am happier and that the sadness doesn't overcome me.
I have started writing my bucket list. Things I want to accomplish before I have to say goodbye to this life. You will be proud to know the top thing on my list is to skydive. I wish you and I could have gone together but I know that you will be right there beside me. I want so many things out of my life because you didn't get them in yours. I want to embrace this life and love it for everything it has to give. There will be bad days but on those bad days I will think back to the good days and know they aren't too far away. This may sound bad but thank you for giving me this gift. Who knew even in death you would still make sure to give. I want so much more out of life and as the days continue to get a little easier I know I will work towards that. Thank you for showing me things in life that only a big brother could. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to always be my friend and always make sure I had someone to play house with or even barbies with. Thank you for sharing your smile, smirk and laugh with me. Thank you for the unconditional love you always had for me.
I love you