So much for my goal!!!

I am horrible at this. Blogging is maybe not for me I don't know I am so busy at work then when I get home I would rather hang out with Brylie, Shad and our dog Khloe.  Plus the words I think inside my head sound so much better then they do when I type them out.  I guess I am not a very good writer.

Since it is almost the end of November and December is quickly approaching I decided it is time to start a new and get my bloggin a goin.  I really do want to do this.  My life is boring and I probably have only two readers out there maybe but that is ok!

This week I have been thinking of goals with New Years around the corner it is something that has been on my mind.  Things I want for next year.  I want 2013 to be the best year of my life.  I thought I would share with you what I have down so far for my goals

Lose weight: I have been struggling so hard with this one.  I have done so well at one point and lately I have gotten to the point where I do not want to try I want to eat everything that I want and not gain a pound.  However that is sadly not possible.  I have jotted a few things down to help me along the way.  Such as ways to make my sandwiches differently without miracle whip and instead use laughing cow light cheese spread and hollowing out a cucumber and filling it with the laughing cow and turkey.  I truly hope to accomplish this for once and for all!!!

 

 

Get out of debt: This is another big one.  By the end of 2013 I want to be completely out of debt or pretty darn near.  Debt is a bad thing it is not fun to be in and most of the time you can never see the end of the tunnel.  If I have a little faith and a lot of will power I will get there!  I love this picture it shows exactly what debt is.

 

Be a better person: Lately I have noticed a lot of negativity coming from myself.  I find that I am also being so hard on myself and jealous of others takes over a lot.  I tend to look at the negative things in life and not the good.  It is time to change and be the person I once was.  Caring, compassionate, understanding and positive.  I want to be a better me!

 



Spend more time doing family things

Start my Rory Gilmore Reading List

For now I think these ones are looking pretty good!  I will add some more when I come up with them.  Trust me there are a lot!!!  I really want to accomplish a ton of things this upcoming year:)

Changing it up

So I am finding it a little hard to blog an entire post about what I am thankful for.  I feel like I just ramble on and on.  So like other blogs I have seen I have decided I will write my post and at the end add on my thankful for the day.

Isn't it funny in life how the things that are suppose to help you can sometimes work the opposite and completely not help at all?  The last few weeks I have not been sleeping.  I was lucky to get 2-3 hours a night.  I would wake up and worry would come over me.  I would watch my husband like a hawk and wait for him to have another seizure.  I know like staying awake would do anything for him but he was sleep walking to and that added to my nervousness I was a wreck to say the least.  I found it strange though, with his first seizure life after a day or so went back to normal.  I didn't worry at all.  With this one I couldn't get in the shower while he was asleep or blow dry my hair simply because I could not hear him. 

Living on no sleep in miserable and for anyone with insomnia I am so so sorry it bites.  I considered having Shad sleep in a separate room, but then couldn't stand that I wouldn't hear him so that option was out.  I thought of sleeping pills but again I was scared that they would knock me out and I would sleep through everything.  So the other night I started thinking why am I so worried this time around, why can't I sleep, why can't I function normally?  Did I start something new that maybe is affecting me? 
That is when it hit me.  I had been out of my antidepressants for about a month (I know that is bad bad bad) and I had refilled them a week after Shads seizure and that is when all the crazy started.  I thought for sure it was a long shot but told Shad I wasn't going to take my pills for a few nights and see if it helped at all.  I stopped taking them Tuesday night.  I didn't get much sleep that night mostly I think my mind was on our appointment with Primary Children's the next day. Yet I didn't feel so panicky like I had every other night.  Wednesday night however my head hit the pillow and I woke up two times and went right back to sleep and last night I woke up once and fell right back to sleep.

I am amazed at the fact that antidepressants are suppose to help you feel normal yet they had started to make me feel like I was turning psycho.  As soon as I got off of them I started to feel normal again.  So needless to say now I need to find a new pill for that problem but I am happy to say I am sleeping again and I don't feel like a psycho wife who watches her husband sleep each night!  I am sure he is glad too!

Today I am thankful for sleep!!!

Thankful

Ok see this is why I don't blog I can never find the time to update it or really anything to blog about my life is pretty boring.

Today though I feel I need to post this.  I have been going through some difficult things these last few weeks.  I feel like I am in a different world or that I am isolated.  I haven't been getting any sleep I am lucky to get 3-4 hours a night.  It has taken its toll on me.  I don't feel like I can talk about it because who wants to hear about someone elses problems, don't we all have our own? 
Last night was an extremely difficult night for me.  I went to sleep around 9 woke up at 11 fell back to sleep around 2 woke up at 3 and never went back to sleep.  I cried as I lay there scared to death feeling like paranoia is taking over my life.  I didn't know how I was going to make it through my work day.  I was exhausted to say the least.  When I got to work blessings were in store for me.  Friends that knew I was stressed were there to comfort me and they listened to me they talked things out with me and gave me some suggestions to get past my stressors. 
You will never know how much this meant to me.  Just listening and being interested and talking things through with me.  Not that all my stress is gone or that I will sleep soundly again tonight I know that I have you guys to help me through as well as my family.  I have a great support system and I couldn't be more thankful for you all.  Sometimes just talking and making your fears heard makes a world of difference and I know it did today. 

Thankful Day 4

I am thankful for my amazing husband.  I have been married to Shad for 10 years we have been together for 13 years.  That is completely crazy to me.  Shad is the one person in this world who can keep me grounded.  He keeps my head on straight and reminds me not to over think things as I do a lot! 
I thought I would do this one a litte different.  Below is a list of things I love about Shad things that make him one of a kind to me and the only person I will ever want to spend my life with!

• He makes me smile
• He can make me laugh when I want to cry
• His big blue eyes
• He holds me at night
• He's an amazing dad
• A wonderful friend
• Looks good in his softball clothes (lol)
• Loves me unconditionally
• Tells me he loves me everyday
• Holds my hand in public
• Listens to me
• He knows me better than I know myself
• He is understands me when I don't understand myself
• He has made me a stronger person
• Being with him, Everything in my life becomes the best of everything
• He is sensitive and understanding
• He sees me for me and loves me still

There are so many many other reasons why I am thankful for my hubby but I am sure I would bore you!  Thank you Shad for everything in my life and for loving me through thick and thin!

Day 3 Thankfulness

 

Today I am thankful for Costco!  Yep you read that correctly.  I LOVE Costco and I am thankful that I no longer have to drive out to Orem to shop there.  I really am not sure why I love the store so much maybe it is the savings, the bulk items or maybe it is all the little tasties I get along my shopping route.

Our new store in Spanish Fork opened about a week or so ago and I patiently waited for the crowds to die down and we finally venture out today and go get some things we needed.  I loved looking at the many things they offer and tasting the little tid bits of food they had for everyone to taste.  I also love watching Brylie at Costco this girl LOVES the store and we have to walk up and down each aisle of the toys to make sure there isn’t something she may have not seen before.  All in all it was a fun day.  We got some of the essentials and a few fun things. 

I am thankful that I have the ability to buy the things I need.  To keep food on the table and clothes on our backs.  I am thankful that Costco is there to help me in bulk quantities!

Its the month to be thankful!

So I have been jotting down what I am Thankful for on Facebook.  Since it is the month of Thanks I figured I would do it here on my blog as well....If anything it will give me a reason to blog daily YAY!!!  Somedays I will do the same things as I do on Facebook others will be something different; I guess whatever I see fit is what I will go with.

I am thankful today for the power of prayer.  This one is a hard one for me to talk about.  Its personal but I think at the same time I would love to share it.  As you have read previously my husband has been diagnosed with Epilepsy.  For a time I was not sleeping I was stressed and terrified of another seizure occuring.  I decided I would ask friends if they had tried sleep aides and which ones they liked.  I really didn't like the thought of taking something to help me sleep, first I didn't want to become dependent on it and second I didn't want the side affects.  One of our good family freinds emailed me he and his wife have become some of our greatest friends in such a short time.  He had joked with me to try some whiskey that would knock me out!  When I got his email it brought tears to my eyes.  As he told me to pray for guidance and strength to be strong.  I knew he was right that Heavenly Father is there for me no matter what.  He will listen no matter how much I seem to ramble.
At first I was nervous I hadn't prayed in such a long time I wondered if I remembered how.  The next day on my way to work (I had been crying due to a flash back I had) I decided to pull over.  I was a few minutes early so along the backroads I take to work I pulled over and poured my heart, frustration and tears out to the man upstairs.  I can't tell you how great it felt to get it all out.  Not to hold back anything and quite frankly I didn't.  I thought I would ask for this obstacle to be removed and for Shad to never have a seizure.  I realized though that what I truly wanted was strength.  Strength to be strong for Shad, to know how to handle the seizures and the aftermath, strength to know it is ok and I can sleep at night.  I went about my day and didn't think too much of it; but I made a promise to pray daily even if it were just to tell someone how mad or sad or happy I am.
When I laid my head down that night to go to sleep I think I fell straight to sleep.  I didn't lay there and listen to Shads breath to make sure it didn't sound funny or sit and watch him to make sure a seizure wasn't going to occur.  I woke up 8 straight hours later.  Suprised I didn't wake every hour or every time Shad moved.  I slept.  I was so relieved. 
I have prayed every night and morning since.  I am still scared of the seizures but I know that I will be ok, we will be ok.  That peace of mind means so incredibly much to me.  I can get back to life now and I can look forward to go to sleep instead of dread it.

Parent Teachers

It is so weird to think that my baby girl is now in Kindergarten.  Where did all the time go?  Isn't it funny how time seems to move to slow but when you look back on it you have to wonder where it all went.  Brylie loves Kindergarten, she is actaully in a transititional Kindergarten because of her being behind due to her Arnold Chiari.  TK (transititional kindergarten) is the best thing for her.  In the 3 months she has been in there she has came such a long way from where she was.
Last night we had our first Parent Teacher conference of the school year.  I was excited to go and hear how Brylie is doing and what we can improve on.  I love Brylies' teacher Mrs. Thomas she is so wonderful and you can see that she truly loves the children in her class.  Mrs. Thomas had lots to say about Brylie like she is doing so great and has come a long ways in a few short months. She also told us although Brylie is doing well she can't tell us where she will go next year, if she will go to regular kindergarten or be put in a special program.  This as a mom was hard for me to hear.  As a mom you want the best for your child. You want them to grow up with out any bullies bothering them, without the fear they are different and see that as a bad thing and you want them to have a perfect life. When I heard this it scared me will there be kids who make fun of her for being in a special class, will she be sad to not be with the other kids who are in regular classes?  After the meeting with her teacher we took her down to the book fair at her school and let her pick out a few books she wanted.  We ended up with Llama Llama Christmas Drama, Silverlicous, and Dream Big Little Pig.

I pondered what her teacher had told us for such a long time.  We ate and it was on my mind, we watched TV and it was still on my mind I finally took a bath to relax and unwind and it still lingered on my mind.  Then came my favorite time of night when I curl up in bed with Brylie and we read our nighttime book.  We picked one of our new books Dream Big Little Pig.  I think it was just the book I needed to read.  The moral of the story is it doesn't matter what others say you can't do or shouldn't do, you do what makes you happy and you will succeed.  After I read I told Brylie she could fall asleep in my bed and as I cuddled up with her I thought long and hard.
Brylie is so incredibly special to so many people.  She truly has a heart of gold and wants everyone to be happy.  I think she was sent to our family for a special purpose and she has brought so much joy and love into our home.  I also thought that she still has a whole school year and even if she has to go to a special class nothing will ever change my special little girl because she does Dream Big.  She teaches me each and every day that it doesn't matter what others think of you because at home is where the only people who matter are.  They are there for you rain, shine, pretty, homely, on a bad day and on good days.  Believing in your self is the best medicine for anything.  So I am going to help Brylie as much as she needs but in the end realize that no matter what it will be ok.  She will go where she is destined to go.

Brylie I love you so so much.  You came into our lives and have changed it for the better every single day.  You make me want to be a more humble person.  You make me want to live a better life and treat everyone equal because that is what they deserve in life.  Thank you for all you teach me and for loving me unconditionally.  I love you to infinity and beyond.

Welcome to our life!!!

Hi and welcome to our blog.  I must say this is like my hmm 3rd blog lol I just haven't found the time to keep up with the others however I really want to make this one work so here is to hoping!

I have always leaned on my husband for everything.  Most of wives do.  I have become so use to him being my protector and keeping me safe.  If I hear a bump in the night, have a bad dream, a bad day, receive bad news or really anything he is there to make me feel better and to protect me from being hurt or sad.  I have really never thought about the tables being turned and me having to protect him.  That is until our lives first changed a little over 2 months ago.  It was a Friday morning Shad was off work so he was able to sleep in.  I woke up at 6:45 went about my normal routine plugged in my hair straightener and went to let Khloe out to go potty.  When I got up the stairs and was patiently (ok more impatiently waiting, it was cold) I heard a loud scream.  I ran down stairs thinking something had happened to Brylie maybe she had fallen out of bed, had a bad dream or somehow hurt herself.  As I got down the stairs and glanced in our room I noticed Shad had his arm straight up in the air which I though was rather strange, I flicked on the light and that is when I saw a nightmare, Shad was in convulsions.  His eyes I will never forget they were rolling in the back of his head and he was gagging and turning a bluish color.  I called 911 and I was freaking out I couldn't stop shaking long enough to talk.  He had a seizure in his sleep and he started waking up before medics arrived at our home.  I tried everything I could to keep him lying down; because of the way his mouth looked (almost like it was paralyzed) we thought he had a stroke and 911 told me to keep him lying down.  I couldn't he was too strong and he got very combative.  I was scared to say the least when the police arrived and soon after the medics and they told me it did in fact look like he had suffered from a stroke.  I somehow managed to call my brother to come get Brylie so I could go in the ambulance with Shad.  I can't even describe how I felt going to the hospital.  Luckily when they ran all of his test it came back that he had just suffered from a seizure and when it happened he knocked his jaw out of place.  They popped it back in and quickly told us there was no signs of anything major; tumor, blood on the brain or a stroke.  Some people have one seizure in their lives and never have another again.  Relief flooded over me.  To tell the truth when he first went into his seizure I was scared I was losing him.  It took him a while to fully come to and his memory was very foggy.  I didn't sleep much that weekend all I could do is watch him sleep and pray it didn't happen again.  Real relief finally came when we saw the Neurologist and he told us everything looked fine and he probably wouldn't ever have another.  I finally felt able to sleep and not worry anymore.
Then it struck again.  My sister in law Michelle and I walk every other morning.  We had to skip our Wednesday walk but decided we would go on Thursday.  Thursday morning Michelle text me and said her foot hurt and she wasn't going to go.  I got back in bed thankful I could sleep another 2 hours.  Just when I started to drift I heard a scream that changed my life.  My eyes flew open and this time I knew what it meant.  Shad was having another seizure.  I remained calmer this time around.  I quickly called Shads mom and dad to come over because I can't control him.  I turned him onto his left side like they tell you to do and let him have his seizure.  I ended up having to call 911 because I couldn't control him when he started waking up and he tried leaving the house YIKES!  They came and because he was seeing people who weren't here we decided to take him to the hospital.  They diagnosed him with Epilepsy.  Now my life is forever changed.
As I have thought so much about this all week so many things have came to mind.  I don't know about you but I believe everything happens for a reason.  Although we don't see the positive that things bring I think there are positives that come out of every situation.  I have seen that I need to be strong for my husband and that I need to trust in myself that I do know how to control the situation and it will all be ok.  We will welcome this new thing in our lives because frankly we don't have any other choice.  However it does bring us closer and it makes our love a little stronger.  This is just another hill on our crazy roller coaster ride!